feels so loserified!

I feel damm bad about last night. firstly, it was not cheap, def the most expensive eusoff bash i've ever seen or been too. to make that much much worse, i don't think people enjoyed themselves that much. i feel so guilty and bad, like i was so focused about making money that i neglected to make it enjoyable. even more so for my own friends who came down, rented costumes even hardly anyone else dressed up, and even booked a hotel nearby. i feel so bad....

When I was doing QT juz now, God just gave me a simple sentence. it's not even new, but the starting lyrics of a song, and it completely stopped me in my tracks as it had (sort of) addressed another issue i have been praying and worrying over.

"Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in Eusoff (hall)"

Then further down my QT session, I had a deep burden to pray for and prayer walk around Eusoff.

One issue i have been struggling with is whether i should leave NUS. I am currently very unhapppy with chemistry and i desperately want to do business instead. I have applied to change faculties in may but it was rejected, and after meeting-up wih the vice-dean of admissions of NUS business school, i would say my chances of a successful transfer is slim to none. 3 other options i have is: 1. transfer to another school like NTU or SMU 2. Go to an overseas uni like ANU 3a. Drop out of NUS and enroll full-time at SIM 3b. Drop out of NUS and enroll part-time at SIM and work part-time.

However, as i have been talking through my options with many people the past few weeks, i have great reluctance to leave NUS, and to a lage part, it is due to Eusoff, the people and the hall activities. After EHOC, Eusoff had truly become a part of my life.

Then God gives me this sentence, and in the rest of the prayer session, i have the reassuring peace that God's plan for me, whether chemistry or business, is in NUS and in Eusoff Hall.

This ties in (sort of) with something else God gave me during this year's HL Leaders retreat in august, that i have been meaning to post but had no time. while we were supposed to pray for our own areas and for a vision for our areas, i didn't felt led to pray for NS area, but instead I felt led to pray for the Poly area and the 4 unis.

For the Poly area, I sense God saying how He will raise Godly christian Student leaders in all the poly campuses. through their leadership in the school committees, clubs, councils, etc... He will shape the next generation of Poly students, setting the foundations for the greater work to be done in their next stages of life. this christian student leadership will change the spiritual atmophere in the campuses, giving rise to student-based initiatives to bring God onto the campuses.

For SMU, it is from here that He will raise a generation of History-makers. They will spiritually impact big businesses and corporations. they will revolutionize the marketplace for Christ.

For NTU, there will be a generation of Barnabas(es)raised up. they will provide support and encouragement to others. where the poly students will be shaping the foundations for God's great works, NTU will be the the strong pillars holding everything up.

For NUS, the christian community there will have a very wide impact. the local christian community will greatly bless the international christian community, which will in turn greatly bless their local chrches in their local hometowns and cities when they return after their studies.

unfortunately, i have seemed to forget what i prayed for SIM and the private unis. when i remember, i will post here.

for this semester, i have been trying to go for Eusoff Christian fellowship whenever I can. one thing about ECF is that there are very few singaporeans that come for it. we more or less already have our own cell groups or group of christian friends that we can turn to for support. it is because of the international aspect of ECF, that "Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in Eusoff" instantly reminded me of this vision of NUS i had during the leaders retreat.

So here i am. I will pray and patiently wait for God's will to be done in Eusoff

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I don't want to worship from afar
Drawing closer to You
Is my only desire
You're the One that I've been longing for
Let me dwell in Your presence
To worship and adore

I fall on my knees
Lord I'm yearning for You, alone
Deep calls to Deep
Lord I know there must be more

Show me Your face O' Lord
Make my heart pure as gold
Standing in awe of you
Your Love it surrounds me forever
Show me Your O' Lord
I want to know You more
I want to stay
Right here with You
All of my days

Growing up, I've had different occupations that I wanted to be, none of them more than a passing fancy. I see children really wanting a particular job, and working hard towards that, or at last possess more than a curious interest. If I were to rate them all on a scale from one to ten, with on being indifferent, and ten being wildly passionate about a career choice, none of the probably exceeded a five or six.

I wanted to be an Actor
I remember that this used to be one of the occupations I wanted to have when I was young (when I was in primary 1), for reasons I can't really remember. Maybe it's the possibility of becoming different people and different roles, etc.... However, I know with certainty that i do not want this career route around sec 1. This is a career too demanding, and that I know that I can't act for nuts. I tend to overact, and also I am so unable to keep a straight face. I kept bursting out in laughter when I auditioned for a local TV show (called the banana files).

I wanted to be a Singer
I remember having a passion for singing, and wanting to do it for a living. After a while, while i still enjoy singing, my desire for it to be a possible occupation just faded away. Even when I wanted to be a singer, my desire for it is probably around a 2 or 3. As I learnt more about singing an vocal techniques, I know that this is not for me.

I wanted to be a Spy/ Detective
Probably stemming from my nosy nature, wanting to know secrets and solving mysteries, I wanted to be a detective or spy, more the former than the latter. I actually have two books about how to be a detective. Detective novels have always been a constant portion of my literature intake. I absolutely adore Agatha Christe's Poirot and Marple. I also possessed a lot of the Mr Boddy series, which is are short mystery stories based on the game Cluedo, where there will be little clues scattered in the stories, and the reader is to solve "who killed Mr Boddy" and other similar mysteries. Of course Enid Blyton's Famous Five, Secret Seven and Five Find-Outer (and Dog) was a significant portion of my primary school diet. As I grew older, the passion diminished, but never entirely went away. I still love to solve literary "mysteries" and quizzes/ puzzles that requires the same type of deductive and analytical mind. However, totally detached from any feelings and emotion, my mind acknowledges that I would not want to be in this line. It seems a tad dreary and possibly dangerous.

I wanted to be an Inventor/ Scientist
*Disclaimer: This is and had in no way any influence in my decision of studying chemistry*
To round off my four childhood ambitions, I wanted to be an inventor and scientist (for i assumed that inventors are also naturally scientists). I love (and still do) creating stuff, and trying to figure out how stuff works on my own, which was why I wanted to be an inventor. Among all my childhood ambitions, this was the one I wanted to be the most, rating a five to six on the passion scale. I remember creating (inventing) countless useless invention (which i can't remember almost all of them), which required innovation and ingenuity. I can remember while in Primary School, I came up with a system for a doorbell and a modified version to alert me whenever anyone passed the corridor, using a system of pulleys, strings and a musical box. I did t pay much attention to the scientist part, certainly never entertaining thoughts of puring chemicals from a test tube to a beaker, only focusing on the creator part. I actually sort of included astronomer with these two, actually buying a working telescope, but not actually knowing how to us it properly. However, as I entered secondary school, I had less and less time to think about inventions, and this passion slowly faded away.

I wanted to be an Architect/ Interior Designer
The previous four are mainly during my primary school years, while these three are mainly during my secondary school years. My interest in architecture is not in the technical aspect, but in the aesthetics. This was cultivated from playing too much Sims. I loved designing houses, and designing the interior, along with choosing of furniture. I never acknowledged it as a possible future job, more as a part-time interest. For a long time though, I have been mentally designing my dream home, which by the way, is mainly steel, glass, black and dark wood.

I wanted to be a Youth Pastor/ Church staff
I shall leave this for another time

I wanted to be a Journalist
Among all my interests, this was the strongest and probably the most probable. During sec , I hoped that I can make it to a good JC and then getting a SPH Scholarship. I have always enjoyed writing, and I still do. I still keep this as a back-up career.

I wanted to be a doctor
At the age of 18, after my Cambodian mission trip, I wanted to be a doctor. I see people suffering and I did not know how to hep them. I simply wanted to make a difference there and I saw medicine as a way to do so. However, this bubble simply burst when I realized that with my subject combination, I was unable to enter any medical school in the world.

I wanted to Sign-on
Late in my NSF life, I was seriously thinking and considering signing on. I enjoyed the sense of brotherhood in the army, and I was slowly losing my mind (I think), as well as constant brain-washing from the army itself. This disappeared as I ORDed though.


However, after all these, I can honestly say that I do not know what do I want to do, what occupation I would like to take up and go to everyday for the rest of my life....... This is a question that so many people have been asking me, to which I do not have an answer yet. I chose to study chemistry in NUS, solely on interest in the subject, not thinking of possible career choices. I really need to continue to seek God on what should I do with my life. So far what God have sort of told me, was to get a normal job for a number of years, before moving to fulfill this big plan He have placed in my heart. I shall stop here and leave this next part for my nextpost.

sometimes only you know how screwed up you are. Sometimes only you can clearly see the flaws in what you do that others simply can't see.

Right now i don't know what to feel. I so tired that i can barely move, yet I'm so full of energy that i want to burst. correction, i probably will burst soon. I want to be everything and everyone, and at the same time i don't want to be anything or anyone. I want everyone to love me but also loathe me.

Last night i was so tired when i finally stumbled onto bed after finish my work, when i simply could not sleep for almost an hour (which is a lot when you go to bed at 5.45am). My conscience simply chose the wrong time to prick me.

I have a close friend, but we more or less drifted apart in the last 5 years, for the simple reason that we stay in different countries. He actually visited singapore twice, once 2 years ago and once this week. I honestly feel so bad that i did not make more effort to try meet-up with him. i can argue to myself that my schedule is so full, and i made an effort to invite him to dinner with my family (honestly, who will go for dinner with his friend's family if he/she does not know them at all), but i know myelf that there could be more that i could have done.

I see so many people around me who need help! help in so many different ways, yet i feel so powerless to help them; either i do not know how to help them, how to approach them, or........ donno lar........haiz~....sick of writing about this alr......................

This song is very catchy! I just can't get it out of my head. And of course the lyrics would naturally attract the chemist in me.

Doesn't It All Taste Good


Ammonia is a household cleaner
DDT is a banned insecticide
Would you like to try some of this poison?
Im thinking you'd like this cyanide

Cadmium has a nice ring
You can find it in my AA batteries
Formaldehyde has a nice ring too
It preserves my dead rats vital tissues

Doesnt it all taste good
Doesnt it all taste good
Give me a pack
Cuz it makes me feel real good

Doesnt it all taste good
Doesnt it all taste good
Give me a pack
Cuz it makes me feel real *cough* good

Lead is the best for your body
It only helps you slowly die
Benzene wont kill you (as fast)
Did you know its used to make colored dyes

Doesnt it all taste good
Doesnt it all taste good
Give me a pack
Cuz it makes me feel real good

Doesnt it all taste good
Doesnt it all taste good
Give me a pack
Cuz it makes me feel real *cough* good

Well..... this will be my quote of the day, taken from http://mymomisafob.com/. It is from a mother sharing a rape prevention tactic with her daughter

"Be sure to wear lots of underwear, so if you get raped, it’ll take them longer and you can escape."